The Atypical, Childless Stepmom

 Stepmomming is the one thing in my life where I can truly say I literally never know where I am coming or going. I think things are in a good spot and then, BLAM, some shit hits the fan.  As I've previously mentioned, my stepson is high needs, so that throws some sort of curveball from time to time, but there are certain things in this stepmom game that seem to be totally fine and figured out and then you are reminded oh yeah, there's an entire other household that we have to deal with, and sometimes they make our lives more difficult just by simply existing or making demands (or not meeting demands). I've been his stepmom since he was 2.5 and met bio mom maybe a year later. She's quiet and doesn't say much. This isn't for me to talk shit about her because quite frankly, that's not my MO. She loves her son and does her best by him, and that's all we can ask for. But we definitely have differences of opinion on many topics, and there's a bit of expec...

 If you become a stepparent when your kiddo is young, you kind of always anticipate when it is they're going to retaliate against you--whether that means saying "you're not my mom!" or throwing you under the bus because you're the easiest target. Up until last weekend, my stepson has said I'm his best friend, his favorite, and while in the back of my head I thought "this kid is gonna do it one day," I did not think it would be so soon. Going to share the story with all of you because I like to keep it real. My husband's jobs is one of those where depending upon the season, his schedule can change a little. Right now, it's busy season, so he's working Saturdays for the next month or so. He asked me if I'd mind spending Saturdays with my stepson during this time. I said of course, because I love him and we're a team and this is temporary. Last weekend I asked kiddo what he'd like to do. He said, "Bake cookies, take the dog ...

 I often get asked from non-stepparents, what is it like to be a stepparent? Well, everyone's story is different and every aspect of it is different. I'll paint a few pictures for you. Your kiddo does the most annoying thing on the planet. No, the world will not end, but that shit is annoying . Makes you want to scream, right? Whether you are a stepparent or a bio parent, you get what I mean. They pick their nose and eat it (ew), they aren't good at putting their clothes in the hamper, they talk back, whatever it is. Now, imagine that you are working very hard with your kid to stop that super annoying thing. After a few days, it seems like they are finally getting it. You aren't catching them doing that really annoying thing like you were just a few days ago. Bio parents will be so excited, but us stepmamas, we know what this usually means: that in a short amount of time, that kid will be right back to doing that thing. Why? Because oftentimes the second household doesn...

Dear New Stepmama, If you're reading this for advice because you started dating a partner with children or you've been doing that for some time and thinking "wow, I am so in over my head," you've come to the right place and you're way ahead of where I was! I didn't think to even look for advice until I was years into this role, so bravo! I had so many expectations and ideas about being a stepmom, what that meant and what I wanted out of it. And all of those ideas flew out the back door at some point in time. I didn't even think to look for advice/self-help or anything related to being a stepmom until I was sitting there, crying my eyes out because I felt incredibly misunderstood by everyone in my life, including my own husband. And that was 5 years into this thing. So below are some pieces of advice that I wish I had when I started all of this: You cannot control anyone but yourself. You cannot control your partner, your stepkid(s) or bio mom. All you ...

 "I could never do that!" "How can you just not take care of your child?" "You should just leave your partner if you disengage from your stepchild." When I tell people that I disengage, or NACHO, I usually get met with one of those. There's this misconception that if you disengage, you hate your stepkid. That you want nothing to do with them. That you never take care of them or help them with homework or anything like that. And honestly, that couldn't be further from the truth. I disengage because I love my stepson, not because I hate him. Disengaging looks different for everyone. For me, it means I no longer do any sort of transportation unless I volunteer to do so. I also do not rearrange my schedule for my stepson. Off from school? Now fully virtual because of COVID? He has a doctor's appointment? Not my problem. How I see it, he has two perfectly capable parents who decided it would be a good idea to have a baby together, so they can go ahe...

In my 5 years as a stepmom, what I have learned is that there are very few resources that encourage stepmoms to live their best life. All you hear as a stepmom is either a) you are trying to be the mother, step back and learn your place, b) why aren't you doing more for these children? You should love and treat them as your own or c) you married a man with children so you knew what you were getting into. None of these are accurate, nor helpful. Nevermind if you have slightly more unique challenges in your situation, forget about it. And thus, this blog was born. I do not have any biological kids. Other than my (in my very humble opinion) moderately extensive time with children (time as a nanny and then as an aunt), I knew absolutely nothing about being a bonus mom going into this. Add on the fact that I have a bonus son with severe ADHD, and simply put, you now know how I came up with the theme and title of this blog. I make no mistake in telling literally anyone that being a stepm...