Let's Talk Disengaging

 "I could never do that!"

"How can you just not take care of your child?"

"You should just leave your partner if you disengage from your stepchild."

When I tell people that I disengage, or NACHO, I usually get met with one of those. There's this misconception that if you disengage, you hate your stepkid. That you want nothing to do with them. That you never take care of them or help them with homework or anything like that. And honestly, that couldn't be further from the truth. I disengage because I love my stepson, not because I hate him.

Disengaging looks different for everyone. For me, it means I no longer do any sort of transportation unless I volunteer to do so. I also do not rearrange my schedule for my stepson. Off from school? Now fully virtual because of COVID? He has a doctor's appointment? Not my problem. How I see it, he has two perfectly capable parents who decided it would be a good idea to have a baby together, so they can go ahead and deal with all of that coordinating and driving and transportation.

I discipline, I feed, I do laundry and I even help with homework. But I make no mistake in knowing that I am his stepmom, not his mom, and thus, it is not my responsibility to do anything. I know women who provide necessities but that's it. And that's OK. I know women who do everything for their stepkids, including transportation and staying home with them, and that's OK.

We need to stop judging mothers (bio and step) for the decisions they make for their kids. The only person's opinion who matters in how I parent my stepson (or don't parent him) is my husband's, and by some extent, my stepson's mother. But my house is still my house, and no woman is going to tell me how to run my house. Period. Would you let another woman tell you how to run yours? I think the fuck not.

Sometimes we are are better parents to our stepkids when we aren't doing the nitty gritty parenting. Sometimes we are better parents to them if we don't discipline. Sometimes we are better if we do all of it. There's no right or wrong way. But what I can tell you is being a stepmom is hard. Really, really hard. Here's this kid you did not grow or nurture and already has a mom and dad. You think they're really great and awesome (or you don't, because kids are people too) and then you get to this point where the dust settles and you see mom or dad doing something that you personally wouldn't do. And then there's this whole other thing where you have zero rights to do anything for this child. If my stepson is sick, I have to have permission from his mom or dad to take him to the doctor. Parent teacher conference? I need permission to go so I don't upset anyone. It feels like everything you do requires another person to tell you it's OK, even though you may see some glaring parental mistakes with the child. So sometimes, when you disengage, it is because you can't care more than the "actual" parents. Or because you're sick of jumping through hoops just to be apart of the child's life. Or you see mom and dad have a handle on it, so why bother? Or maybe the kid themselves is difficult, and it's best for all parties involved to step back.

Whichever way you put it, disengaging can be the best thing you do as a stepparent. But just like the role itself, it is forever changing. And that's OK; that's life.