The Atypical, Childless Stepmom

Dear New Stepmama, If you're reading this for advice because you started dating a partner with children or you've been doing that for some time and thinking "wow, I am so in over my head," you've come to the right place and you're way ahead of where I was! I didn't think to even look for advice until I was years into this role, so bravo! I had so many expectations and ideas about being a stepmom, what that meant and what I wanted out of it. And all of those ideas flew out the back door at some point in time. I didn't even think to look for advice/self-help or anything related to being a stepmom until I was sitting there, crying my eyes out because I felt incredibly misunderstood by everyone in my life, including my own husband. And that was 5 years into this thing. So below are some pieces of advice that I wish I had when I started all of this: You cannot control anyone but yourself. You cannot control your partner, your stepkid(s) or bio mom. All you ...

 "I could never do that!" "How can you just not take care of your child?" "You should just leave your partner if you disengage from your stepchild." When I tell people that I disengage, or NACHO, I usually get met with one of those. There's this misconception that if you disengage, you hate your stepkid. That you want nothing to do with them. That you never take care of them or help them with homework or anything like that. And honestly, that couldn't be further from the truth. I disengage because I love my stepson, not because I hate him. Disengaging looks different for everyone. For me, it means I no longer do any sort of transportation unless I volunteer to do so. I also do not rearrange my schedule for my stepson. Off from school? Now fully virtual because of COVID? He has a doctor's appointment? Not my problem. How I see it, he has two perfectly capable parents who decided it would be a good idea to have a baby together, so they can go ahe...

In my 5 years as a stepmom, what I have learned is that there are very few resources that encourage stepmoms to live their best life. All you hear as a stepmom is either a) you are trying to be the mother, step back and learn your place, b) why aren't you doing more for these children? You should love and treat them as your own or c) you married a man with children so you knew what you were getting into. None of these are accurate, nor helpful. Nevermind if you have slightly more unique challenges in your situation, forget about it. And thus, this blog was born. I do not have any biological kids. Other than my (in my very humble opinion) moderately extensive time with children (time as a nanny and then as an aunt), I knew absolutely nothing about being a bonus mom going into this. Add on the fact that I have a bonus son with severe ADHD, and simply put, you now know how I came up with the theme and title of this blog. I make no mistake in telling literally anyone that being a stepm...