Advice for the New Stepmama

Dear New Stepmama,

If you're reading this for advice because you started dating a partner with children or you've been doing that for some time and thinking "wow, I am so in over my head," you've come to the right place and you're way ahead of where I was! I didn't think to even look for advice until I was years into this role, so bravo!

I had so many expectations and ideas about being a stepmom, what that meant and what I wanted out of it. And all of those ideas flew out the back door at some point in time. I didn't even think to look for advice/self-help or anything related to being a stepmom until I was sitting there, crying my eyes out because I felt incredibly misunderstood by everyone in my life, including my own husband. And that was 5 years into this thing.

So below are some pieces of advice that I wish I had when I started all of this:

  1. You cannot control anyone but yourself. You cannot control your partner, your stepkid(s) or bio mom. All you can do is control your reaction to them. Stop focusing on that kind of stuff, and I swear things will start getting better.
  2. Ask your partner what they want from you with regards to your role in the child's life. Do they want an active parent, more of a friend or simply someone who provides necessities (when needed) but typically a stand-back person? There's no right or wrong answer here, but make sure whatever is decided is clear and concise, and make sure that the kids know that they should listen to you as an authority figure. Even if you disengage, if you ask the child to do ABC, they should simply be respectful enough to comply. Ideally, you should have this talk before you move in together.
  3. Boundaries. Have them, set them and enforce them. With everyone. Yes, even your partner. Don't think you need them with your partner? Oh, girl, you do. I didn't think I needed them, either, and then one day he came up to me and told me that I need to work with my job and ensure I am able to work from home 3 days a week in the summer so I can care for my stepson (school-aged  and off for the summer). I knew then and there that some shit needed to change. I told him no, told him that he and bio mom need to work it out and to leave me out of it.
  4. Don't expect an instant connection with your stepkid(s). In fact, don't expect one at all. Kids are people with different personalities. Some kids are really cool and funny and chill and some are assholes. You're not going to get along with every kid but if your stepkid is an asshole, you still need to be respectful.
  5. Most parents (male or female) will have some level of guilt when they parent their child in a blended family situation. Guilt parenting is stupid and I hate it. It doesn't help the child, the parent or the other parent(s) involved. My stepson has never had his parents together, except for the first month of his life, and his parents still guilt parent him 8 years later. Granted, things are way better than they were, but there will absolutely be some level of guilt parenting in these circumstances. Recognize it, speak with your partner about it if you think that it is having a negative impact on the child and move on. It does get better over time, but remember that more kids than not are in this situation, so pandering to them because mom and dad aren't together is just plain stupid.
  6. Do not lose yourself just because you are now with someone who has a child. Still go out with friends, get your hair done, go for a run, whatever it is that makes you happy (in a safe and socially distanced way while COVID still ravages our country). I made the mistake of giving up everything (I moved states away, dropped my job, moved away from friends and family to be with my husband and stepson, then boyfriend) and I almost lost my identity in the process. Be sure to keep those things!
  7. This is an ever-evolving role. When I started as a stepmom, I was all aboard, all hands on deck and ready to jump in. Now, my role is to be supportive to my husband first, and my stepson second. I take care of my stepson, but I no longer am in this primary parental role with him; I leave all of that to my husband and his mom.

Listen, being a stepmom is the hardest thing I've ever done; I won't lie to you. It's a lot of tears, a lot of finding yourself and a shit ton of compromising. But I swear, things do get better as time goes on.

You can do it!

Love,
The Atypical, Childless Stepmom

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