What It's Like Being a Stepmama

 I often get asked from non-stepparents, what is it like to be a stepparent? Well, everyone's story is different and every aspect of it is different. I'll paint a few pictures for you.

Your kiddo does the most annoying thing on the planet. No, the world will not end, but that shit is annoying. Makes you want to scream, right? Whether you are a stepparent or a bio parent, you get what I mean. They pick their nose and eat it (ew), they aren't good at putting their clothes in the hamper, they talk back, whatever it is. Now, imagine that you are working very hard with your kid to stop that super annoying thing. After a few days, it seems like they are finally getting it. You aren't catching them doing that really annoying thing like you were just a few days ago. Bio parents will be so excited, but us stepmamas, we know what this usually means: that in a short amount of time, that kid will be right back to doing that thing. Why? Because oftentimes the second household doesn't care about the same things that you do (on a smaller scale) so all of that energy and effort you just put in was for basically nothing. It's a lot of two steps forward and two steps back. Constant stasis. It is beyond frustrating. A first world problem, but a frustrating one at that.

Imagine you love your stepkid as your own. You treat them like your own. You miss them immeasurably when they are with their other parent(s). They come home and throw all of their affection on the bio parent in that house and then come and see you. They're happy, sure, and they give you a nice hug and maybe a kiss, but it is very clear that their love of their bio parent is very different from their love for you. You understand logically as an adult that this makes sense because for young children the biological bond is the strongest one, but especially if you are a "childless" stepmom, that shit is hard. You understand that their love of you is special and unique and different from the love of their parents, but it will never be the same. I understand that; I love that my stepson has a very special and unique relationship with me (totally different from the ones he has with his bio parents) but I would be lying if I said it didn't sting at times when he is loving all over his dad and I'm sitting there in the corner like "Oh, right. Chopped liver over here."  This one is so hard for me to explain to people. In one sense, seeing the love my husband has for his son (our kiddo, as we put it) is beautiful; my stepson is obsessed with my husband (shit, me too, kid!) and my husband is his hero. I really love seeing their love and bond grow and develop. But with all I do for him, all of the love and rearranging of schedules and advocacy and just everything, it definitely hurts to be called his parent, feel like his parent and then sometimes feel like I am just on the periphery, looking in.

Many stepparents say they feel like they are looking in on their lives as a spectator. Most of us feel like, at least to some extent, that we do not have control of our lives or our homes. I definitely understand and agree with that to a degree. Let's paint a picture: my stepson is here half the week (50/50 custody). We do not follow the CO for the schedule (because both bio parents can actually get along and typically are able to agree on these changes because they can act like adults, THANK GOODNESS). This is a great thing when things come up and parenting is team work, but it also means that there have been quite a few instances where I had to rearrange my schedule or I find out later on in the day that a day that I was expecting to just be my husband and I now also includes my stepson, which sometimes means we have to change what's for dinner, we have to rearrange when we are eating, what we are doing that night, how to care for the dog (if she needs a walk), and more. Is it worth it? Of fucking course it is. But there's no negating the fact that you definitely lose some semblance of control. '

For those of you who aren't stepparents, please know that my situation is freaking easy. Bio mom is nice, my husband and her can parent effectively (usually parallel but they come together when needed), we communicate effectively (for the most part), my stepson is a joy (for the most part). It's a pretty easy and smooth situation. Most blended family situations are strife wit hsome sort of conflict. And let me tell you, even with the ease of our situation, it does not mean that it isn't full of complications. Parents in a nuclear home can and do parent differently (to an extent), now try it with 3 or 4 parents and 2 homes! And you have outsiders telling you what to do because obviously they know best.

It is in this role I have truly learned that the best thing I can do is to be there for my husband and stepson, to provide help when needed and to be an objective participant because it is much easier to see stuff from an outside perspective. And while you ARE on the inside as a stepparent, you are also on the outside in a way, and that perspective is truly invaluable.