If You Listen to Anything, Listen to This

 I am apart of two support groups for Stepmoms. Admittedly, I don't know where I'd be today without them. It was there that I learned I was not alone. It was there that I learned that I need to advocate for myself. It was there that I learned that everything I felt was totally and utterly normal. And it was there that I learned that my stepson is my kid but he is not my kid FIRST. He has a mom and a dad who are both equally active and loving in his life. His mom and dad are there for him. They may not see the issues that I see, but a lot of bio parents don't see those issues. But hey, maybe they aren't issues. Maybe what I perceive as issues are unproblematic for them. And hey, he's their kid, not mine! Let them figure it out. 

This brings me to the point of this blog post: when stepkids have equally active parents in their life (essentially 50/50 custody), stepparents are a bonus gift to those children. We are their extra cheerleaders. We may bring a knowledge of a subject mom or dad may not have to help them better in school. We may have played a sport that they're interested in. Or like the music they do. The other week I shared Anime with my stepson for the first time and he LOVED it (neither mom nor dad like anime--it's not my favorite either but how can you not love Spirited Away and Kiki's Delivery Service?!). 

Bringing this around further, I view my role as wife first, stepmom second. I am here to support my husband in whatever ways possible. Today I took stepson to the bus stop because otherwise he would've been an hour+ late to work (took a sick day today since I got the second COVID shot Wednesday night and it's been kicking my ass). For the last month and a half I've been home with stepson on Saturdays while my husband works (his job only requires this about 2 months a year, and we're coming to the close of this, THANK GOODNESS). I'm not talking for a few hours, either. From 7AM until 3 or 4PM I am with this kid. Don't get me wrong, I love the one-on-one time with kiddo, but it's definitely not always easy. But for us, our house runs as if he's BOTH of our kid. Discipline works both ways. House rules apply to all. My husband supports my decisions and I support his. The only time I'm not involved is when it's a decision that requires mom's approval and even then, husband will ask me my opinion prior to me actually doing it.

I see it so, so often in my support groups that the bio parents expect the stepparents (especially the stepmom, although in my situation stepdad is expected to do this) to basically do most/all of the childcare in that respective house (and sometimes for both!) but are not involved/allowed to give opinions about the child. I'm grateful my husband always takes my opinion into account prior to making a decision for stepson. I was the one that encouraged them to get him in therapy. I've taken him to doctors appointments without issue. My opinion matters, even just to my husband (and that's ok; I'm not dating stepson's mom, I'm married to his dad so I don't expect his mom to necessarily listen to me even though I care for her kid with her ex just like she cares for him with her fiance). But most stepmamas, or at least A LOT of you, are not in this position. A lot of you are expected to have the kid the entire time it's your partner's time but have zero say in any of the decisions and are not allowed to give any sort of input about the child. If you do, you obviously hate the child. Makes sense? No, of course not. It means that you see something that they don't. You don't have rose-colored glasses on. You can take the situation at face value.

So I'm going to give you some advice. It may be harsh, but if you're struggling being the primary caretaker for a child you didn't create and don't have any say in how they are raised because both bio parents disrespect your role in the child's life, I want you to read this:

If they can't respect you to parent then they can't expect you to parent.

What? Let me write that again:

If they can't respect you to parent then they can't expect you to parent.

I file those bio parents under the "want to have their cake and eat it too" group. FUCK.THAT. You, my dear stepmama, most likely have sacrificed so much to be apart of this family. To be with your partner. To raise this child(ren). To be involved. And you're met with "well now you can be a glorified nanny but have no actual say for the child." Nah. You either want me involved in every capacity or not at all. Because honestly, these bio parents are basically treating you as the bio parent (schoolwork, activities, childcare, cleaning, cooking, kissing boo boos, teaching new things, bathing, changing diapers if they're that young, and so much more) but without the rights of a bio parent. All of a sudden we're Cinderella and they're the evil stepmother. I oftentimes think of that trope when discussing with non-stepmoms about what it's like to be a stepmom, especially in the gaze of the evil stepmom. We are the ones who are expected to care for everyone, sacrifice everything and yet, have zero rights or ability to do anything. If my husband was no longer around physically (god I can't even think of this without wanting to cry), would bio mom actually allow me to continue my relationship with my stepson? Or would she take that positive person who loves and cares for him half of the week out of his life just because his father is no longer around, too? I honestly do not have an answer. I'd like to think she'd want me to see him at least sometimes because I can also ensure he maintains that relationship with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins on that side, but I don't actually know that would happen or not. And it makes me sad but it also highlights just how little say we have in these children's lives. So why the fuck are you doing everything for them when they have a perfectly good mom and dad who can do it (assuming this is your situation)?

You may have assumed that it was required that you do this. You thought that as the maternal figure in your home, you need to do this. You do not. Your partner is their biological parent and perfectly capable of parenting his/her children. Let them. Support them. Be their back-up when needed. Husband couldn't get stepson to school this morning so I stepped in to do so. It's not a big deal. But he's getting him off of the bus and I won't really be doing much with stepson this evening because husband is home to care for him. Because he is his son first and mine second. But I'll probably do more of the chores this weekend since he needs to work tomorrow when usually it's a pretty split thing. And that's ok. It's how I support my husband and I'm happy to do it.

Take a step back. Care for yourself. You cannot care for others if your own glass is empty. Disengage if you need to. Shit, go visit someone or get away for a few days. Recharge your batteries. Whatever it is you need to do, do it. You'll feel better after. But also make sure you advocate for yourself, especially in your own home. Do not let anyone tell you how you should think or feel or react when they don't know your story.